The Demons Inside
by LadyMurphey
Summary: After being rescued by the Joker, Harley has to deal with the memories of the abuse she suffered inside Belle Reve. She has to get over panic attacks and, at the same time, try and break her friends out of Belle Reve. In the middle of these challenges, the Joker finds out about a secret Amanda Waller has been keeping from Harley. A secret that could make all her dreams come true.
1. Chapter 1

She was lying down on the floor with the book on her face. Her espresso machine was right beside her. Anyone who looked from outside would think she was asleep, but that wasn't true. Harley Quinn was wide awake.

She couldn't be asleep, even if she wanted to, she had been unable to sleep ever since her Puddin' was gone. She had lost him forever. The pain had reached her two months ago and it had gotten worse after getting back to Belle Reve since she was separated from her friends and no longer had their support, specially Deadshot's. She didn't have a world to save anymore either and had nothing to keep her mind busy.

In Harley's conception, she should have given up on the damn world and stayed by Enchantress side so she could ask her to bring her Puddin' back to her. She had been just about to do it when a voice stopped her. A voice she hadn't heard in a long time since it was locked away in the deepest dungeons of her mind. Harleen Quinzels voice, however, had managed to get itself free and fill Harley's mind with kind feelings towards her friends. The doctor was too empathic to betray humanity.

Harleen's voice was now long gone and all Harley had left of it was the regret for not being able to do it. Now she was locked again to rot in Belle Reve and it was her own fault. The queen of Gotham City would have, in fact, enjoined that specific voice's company to keep all the others away. All the other voices could do was torture her and bring the insomnia that prevented her from meeting Mr. J in the only place she could: her dreams.

 _It's your own fault_. The voices insisted on telling her that. And she couldn't argue against that because they were right. If he was dead, it was because he had tried to save her. Because she insisted on joining him on his business night. And if he was still dead, it was because she didn't have the guts to betray her friends. _Honour among thieves…_ Deadshot's words had fucked her head.

And now she wanted to die, but the guards wouldn't let her. They saved her from starvation, from hitting her head to the cell until her skull was about to crash and from biting her wrists until she cut the artery. The only reason why they wouldn't let her die was because they were having fun with her. And by fun… well, fun meant a whole lot of things and none of them was pleasant to Harley.

The cell's door opened and she prepared for the torture session that always came with the sound. After the Joker had died, the guards had decided there would be no longer any retaliation for touching her and therefore they made her life a living hell.

At first she would resist, but as the days went by and the knowledge that the Joker was dead carried away her strength, soon there was nothing else she could do. She had given up and waited death to come and take away that unbearable pain. Deep inside she wished her Puddin' was the one to come and pick her when her time came. While it didn't happen, she just play dead as the guards striped her, held her, touched her everywhere they wanted, beat her and cut her… and it was only the beginning of the torture.

Harley would often think of Deadshot in those moments. She owed him her life. When Mr. J died she was ready to jump off the building she was on to meet her death, but she remembered what he had done for her just before by missing that shot and realized she couldn't die and leave him there without doing anything to pay her debt to him. Her life no longer worth anything, but she was still to return the favour and if she ever got the chance to leave, she wouldn't do so without him. Maybe they could run away to a place where no one could find them. Maybe they could bring his daughter too. Harley always wanted a child, but when the Joker and her tried to make one of their own she miscarried by the end of first trimester.

She tried to focus on all of those thoughts to avoid feeling what was happening to her body. The guards were having their fun while she pretended to be a plastic doll. A doll wouldn't feel the pain nor the humiliation she was submitted to. A doll couldn't move on it's own. So she just laid there, her eyes closed as the men manipulated her body, doing whatever they pleased, not even slightly concerned with her immobility and lack of reaction.

After a while, Griggs determined it was time to leave and so they did, leaving her there, naked and marked by new tiny cuts and large bruises.

It could have been worse. They hadn't sticked non-living objects into her that time. Once her cage was empty and closed again, she got up, put her clothes back on and made herself a cup of coffee.

The guards would come in her cell to torture her nearly every other day. At first they would do it everyday, sometimes more than once a day, but as her life force was fading Griggs established a rule about giving her a one-day break for every time they played with her, two if the wounds were too bad. But the breaks only worsened the days when they did it because the wait changed them and made them look and feel like a pack of starving wolves every time they got inside her cage.


	2. Chapter 2

Two days after that, she finally managed to get a decent night of sleep, probably because her body couldn't take it anymore. The sleep wasn't enough to rest, but it was better than staying awake in the cell.

She had dreamt of him. in the dream, she saw again the vision Enchantress had given to her, in which the Joker was her handsome husband and her baby had been born alive and she had gotten to be a wife and a mother. It was all she ever wanted. She would give up on everything she had ever had only to spend the rest of her days with her beloved Puddin'. Even if their relationship were to continue as dysfunctional as it had ever been. Even if their babies were as crazy as their parents. She just wanted to be with him.

Harley was awakened by the creepy sound of her cage's door opening. She opened her eyes only to get the sight of Griggs walking towards her. But there was something different about the air that time.

There was a scent on the air, a scent that she knew way too well. Blood. Either she was going to die or someone else was about to be tortured or killed just in front of her. That was exactly what mr. J's victims would smell like just before he tortured them. Harley looked around and her eyes met the most frightening sight she could possibly. think of.

Deadshot had more than a few large bleeding cuts all over his body and his skin was covered by recent bruises. He had a black eye, her brow and lower lip were covered in blood. His nose was apparently broken. If she didn't know him very well, she wouldn't have recognized him beneath all that blood. Two men were holding him down on his knees and keeping his head up so his eyes would have no other choice but look at Harley's cell.

"So" Griggs started "Today our friend here made a huge mistake by knocking down the guard when he got in the cell to bring food. Apparently he heard about our playtime..." His hands touched her lip and she felt disgusted as she realized his fingers were covered in Deadshot's blood. Now her lips were warm and sticky. "I thought he was jealous, so I decided to let him watch it today".

Griggs could be an asshole, a coward and a gambling addict, anything. But with all of this he still was no fool. He knew Deadshot cared about Harley, perhaps even felt something stronger for her, and also knew Harley liked and cared about him. Griggs knew she would resist to being used to hurt him and he would suffer watching her being raped.

And indeed she resisted with all her remaining power. Griggs was the only one in her cage and she could take him down on a fight. Two well aimed, strong kicks and he was on the floor. Then she used all the strength she had left to strangle him from behind with her arm.

"Harley!" She head Deadshot scream and raised her eyes. He was still being held down and now three guns were pointed at him. She had no choice but let Griggs do whatever he wanted to her.

And, damn, he did.

Deadshot kept calling her name over and over again as if it would help or give her any support. It only made the whole experience worse to know he was watching.

When Griggs was finally done with her, her body didn't look much different from Deadshot's, but the guard thought she was too pretty to mess with her face. She was bleeding a lot when he left the cage.

"Harley, I'm so sorry". Her friend had been released, and the guards apparently had decided to leave him there for a while. He still had his knees on the floor, but now he stretched his arm through the cell bars to reach her hand. She was sitting in her safety position, with her arms around her knees. She turned her head to meet his gaze and tears rolled out of her eyes. Harley had never cried in front of anyone besides the Joker, but she couldn't help it right now. It was too much for her.

The hidden voice that belonged to her old self was set loose and Harleen Quinzel wasn't as strong as Harley Quinn so, as the psychiatrist took the place of the queen, the voices became unbearably loud.

 _You are never walking out of here._

 _Face it, you are doomed._

 _You will rot in this cage while the guards rape you until there's nothing left of you._

 _You should have jumped off that building when you had the chance._

 _He would never forgive you for doing what you just did. You are not Harley Quinn, or the queen of Gotham City. You are still that poor empathic psychiatrist he left to die._

 _You are just a little girl obsessed with the memory of a dead man._

The voices wouldn't stop and kept saying cruel things.

She had to make them stop.

Her hands held her hair in a tight grip, nearly pulling it off as she let out a mix of growl and cry and her mouth started repeating meaningless words.

"Harley? Harley! HARLEY!" Deadshot called her repeatedly, squeezing her hand. "Harley, listen to me, it's okay now, it's over. You are safe now, " He was lying. Neither of them were safe. "I'll get us out of this place, Harley. I'll take you home with me and we will be really, really happy, I promise".

He promised. She didn't believe him for a second. There was no happy place without her Puddin'. Also, even if she believed him, the voices were shouting too loud and driving her mad, so she couldn't do anything but cry uncontrollably until she couldn't breath. The voices were taking over and she had to shut them down.

So, on one last moment of sanity, she threw herself against the cell bars, hitting her head so she would pass out. Deadshot was carried away from her, still screaming her name. He should have known better than to try and stand up for her.


	3. Chapter 3

**Okay, so this is the third chapter and I'd like to thank you for the reviews and support. It means a lot to me. I'd like to warn you that, as you must already have guessed, english is not my first language, but I am doing my best to write properly and if you see something wrong, please let me know and I will be glad to correct it. Nobody should be forced to read a poorly written text.**

 **Also, I would like to tell the guest who commented all that offensive crap about me and my story that if my english is shit, I'd be glad to know where I made mistakes and how to correct them. By the way, if you don't have the guts to comment with your own account and have to hide behind the Guest profile so you can't be reported or answered, you are nothing but a coward. If you don't like it, don't read it. And if you are going to keep commenting all this shit, at least do me a favor and use your own profile. The only attwhore I see around here is you, so here is the precious attention you want so much. Oh, and I found rather odd that you say my english is shit, but you are the one writing "you're" instead of "your". And It's kinda dangerous telling someone you don't know to "do something useful like take an overdose", don't you think?**

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The voices hadn't stopped when Harley woke up, but they were under control again. She was used to hearing voices since they would only stay silent when the Joker was with her. Since he was dead, they wouldn't leave her alone.

Someone had bothered to get her dressed while she was asleep and she was grateful to whoever was so kind to do that for her. The idea of the guards watching her naked body while she slept was even worse than the memories of the rapes.

The queen of Gotham City stood up and looked at the corner of the cage where both her book and the espresso machine were kept. She sad down on her bed to read and have a cup of coffee, trying to forget the torture session with Deadshot's presence.

After that psychotic outbreak she decided to recover her strength. That couldn't happen again. She couldn't lose control like that, not in that place, not with those people around her.

The book and the cup gave her a false feeling safety and control. Although she knew she was in danger, she couldn't let Harleen Quinzel take over like that again. The psychiatrist wasn't strong enough when she was a whole person, this faded memory of what she once had been couldn't nearly handle that much pain.

So the days went by and turned into weeks. Every other day Harley would go through a torture session and at least once a week the guards brought Deadshot to watch. Sometimes Griggs even forced him to rape her too, threatening to hurt her worse than the usual if he refused. Those times were the worst. Harley still managed to play dead while all of it happened, despite being terrified and filled with rage. No one was supposed to touch her besides the Joker. She belonged only to him, just like her tattoo said. She was a property of the Joker.

Harley started pretending her days without torture were weekends and she celebrated them by having two cups of coffee in the mourning instead of one. So on that specific mourning she was preparing her second cup, waiting for the machine to stop pouring so she could go back to her book. She wanted to keep reading so she could distract herself from the unbearable pain in her heart, which got worse and worse every day. Different from all the other sorts of wounds, the one in her feelings wasn't being healed by time. Time didn't do her any good. There was no light in the end of the tunnel for Harley Quinn.

Suddenly a terribly loud noise caught everyone's attention, like a thunder, but louder. A moment of silence was followed by shots and it took her a moment to realized the wall had been blown up and the prison was being invaded. Also, she was in the middle of crossed fire and she had to hide, so she went under her bed.

It took about fifteen minutes for the shots to cease and then a man with a chainsaw forced her cage open and she got up, ready to defend herself or die trying. A tall man with a sort of police uniform entered her cell and she felt like a pack of ice had been thrown at her stomach. Something about him frightened her. She tried not to think much of the JKR initials on his uniform. Nor of the word "JOKER" on its chest. It must have been a prank, just another way of torturing her. Harley was still ready to fight for her life.

But then the stranger took of his mask and she saw his eyes, his smile and his tattoos. Was she dead? She didn't recall anything that could have killed her. He let out a purr and she felt her face change into a smile as she jumped in his arms and felt him hold her.

" Puddin'! " She cried.

" Let's go home. "

She wished she could stay in his arms longer than those few seconds they had, but she knew they had to hurry or they would never that place alive.

They held hands and ran outside through the same hole the Joker and his men used to go in. An armored van waited for them. The Joker's henchmen would escort them on motorcycles in their way home. The clown lifted his queen to get her in the van and pulled himself up immediately after. He shut the door.

" Get us the hell out of this place. " He said to the driver. Then they departed and she knew she was safe. Joker brought Harley closer to him while she hugged her own knees as she felt the voices about to take over again.

Harley started whispering unlinked words and her fingers tangled in her hair, grabbing her head as she shaked. The voices shouted at her, attacking her with painful thoughts about being persecuted by Griggs, about Waller sending the army after her… about going back to the abuse.

" What's going on, honey? " Mr. J held her hands as she fully lost control.

" SHUT UP! " She yelled to someone invisible and then she fell on the floor, twisting her body as one would if they were being held by a stranger.

" Baby, look at me. " The Joker tried to bring her back and held her face towards his. " You are safe now, I won't let anybody hurt you ever again. "

She couldn't pull herself together, there was just too much going on and she was finally letting out alt the suffering she had been through in the past months. Than that hidden place where the remains of Harleen Quinzel were kept opened up and the psychiatrist talked to her, louder than the other voices.

 _Harley, you are free now. Look up, Mr.J is there, right next to you. Everything will be fine, you are safe. The voices aren't real, they are just your way to deal with fear and pain._

" C'mon, baby, you can do it. " She could clearly hear the Joker as the voices grew quiet. Harley realized her eyes had been closed and opened them to find herself being held down by her lover, his face only centimeters away from her's. She inhaled heavily to catch her breath and calm down her heart. "See? You're with me now." He whispered to her.

Their lips finally met after so much time apart. She threw her arms around his neck and he lifted her head, making sure their lips wouldn't find trouble to keep that contact. They kissed as passionately as they had kissed in the chemical vat where the Joker had finally realized he had to break his own rules about being loved in order to have that curious insane girl in his life. He didn't want to stop there, he missed having the heat of her body against his, but when he tried to get rid of her clothes she instinctively bit his lower lip until it bled and got away from him.

Once she realized what she had just done, Harley was so ashamed she couldn't even look up. The Joker still had a shocked expression on his face. Of all the possibilities, this was the only one he couldn't have predicted. He moved towards her and she cringed, expecting him to hit her. But he didn't. Instead, the clown lifted her chin with one finger and then cupped her face to stop her from avoiding his gaze.

"I-I'm so sorry…" Her voice wasn't more than a whispered lament. "Please don't be mad at me".

"I'm not mad, Harls".

She was surprised, but no more than he was. Before her time in Belle Reve, he would have hit her head against the wall or slapped her face for deliberately hurting him. But after all this time without her, he suddenly felt completely unable to do anything to harm her, specially when she seemed so upset.

"I just… Don't feel like doing it right now". In fact she didn't want him to touch her until she was clean. Maybe until all the cuts and bruises were healed. Maybe she could never forgive herself for letting it happen and therefore she would never sleep with him again.

Harley expected J to be mad at her decision to say no to him, as it had never happened before, but she found him surprisingly understanding.

"Of course, darling. You're the boss."

"O-Okay… Can… Can we just cuddle, then?"

He spread his legs so she would fit between them and let her lay on his chest. His cold fingers caressed her lips, her cheeks, her neck and her hands and she felt herself being carried away in a long needed sleep.

Eventually the van stopped and she thought she had arrived. Even let out a sleepy "should I get up?" but the Joker said she could sleep and he carried her to the helicopter that would finally take them home.

 **So, now I managed to transcribe five chapters from my notebook to the computer and I should be able to post once a week or something like this. Hope you're enjoying the story! See you next week!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Hi, guys, I'm back! Thanks again for your support with the reviews. Seriously, it's an amazing thing to look at the story statistics and see that people from everywhere are reading my story. There are access from Hong Kong! How awesome is that?**

 **By the way, I'm glad to say there are four more chapters ready to go with some dark plot twists in them.**

If there was one thing the Joker had never expected about his life, it was Harley Quinn. When doctor Quinzel had walked in his cell at the Arkham Asylum, he did see some potential in her and used it on his favor in order to break out of that place. Then he intended to let Johnny Frost kill her. He was about to leave, but something changed inside him and he stopped his most trusted henchman with a waving finger. He decided to let her creation live. He didn't want her to be part of his life or anything, but he had created her and no one should kill his creations.

Then she had started following him and he tried to make her life difficult by throwing impossible challenges, missions, initiations and tests at her. She had passed them all. When she finally faced him after the last time he had tried to leave, the Joker had decided to kill her himself in the place he was born. For absolutely no reason, he decided it would be more fun or maybe poetic than just shoot her in the face. After she had jumped in the vat, he intended to leave her to drawn in the acid. But as he walked out, something told him the world wouldn't be fun enough without her around. So Harley Quinn had been born and the Joker decided he couldn't have been more right about her. She brought more fun into his private world.

When the Bat took her away, he regretted being unable to save her, but there was no time and she had only shouted that she couldn't swim seconds before the car crashed into the water. He had to choose between risk being arrested as well and leaving her so he could come back with a rescue plan. The Joker being arrested wouldn't do Harley any good.

It had been months of a odd disgusting feeling until he found her. The clown felt terribly fragile, lonely, broken. She had left a gap in his life.

When the chopper crashed, after he managed to jump out of it right before it exploded, the only thought that kept him alive was his mission to rescue his queen. Now his efforts had proven to be worthy as she was back in his arms.

It was around 5am when they finally made it home. The hideout was no longer the same, the clown had now moved to a mansion with lot's of escape routes, just in case the Bat or the army decided to pay a visit. The helicopter had landed on a nearby building and they finished the trip by car, with him driving and she asleep on the passenger's seat.

Even the Joker was tired when they finally got in the house, so he simply laid her down on bed and put his arms around her. As he laid beside her, waiting for the sleep, he felt Harley's head on his chest, the heat of her body against his and the slow rhythm of her breath and he purred as an unknown feeling took over him. Relief? Happiness? He didn't know what to call it, it just felt good.

J knew she loved him and he enjoyed her company more than anyone else's. Somehow, she made the world brighter and every robbery or murder he perpetrated felt more exciting when she was with him. Harley was the most important person to ever cross his way. He had created Harley Quinn and it made him proud enough to make her his queen. his only regret was being unable to love her like she loved him. She was attractive and clever and funny, of course, but the joker wasn't someone who loved or was loved. He knew she was aware of that and whenever she said she loved him and he couldn't answer, something collapsed inside his chest.

They slept until evening.

When Harley woke up, she expected to see her cell and find out it had been just another dream, but then she realized the mattress beneath her body was too soft to be her bed in Belle Reve. And the smell of the warm arms around her body could only belong to the Joker. She smiled to herself when she turned around and met his pale face. All the pain resulting from missing him seemed to disappear.

Then she felt a different smell. A pretty disgusting one, in fact. It was her smell after spending weeks without more than a wet cloth to clean herself. So she headed to the bathroom and turned on the hot water in the shower so it would warm up while she stripped off her prison uniform and the mirror in the wall reflected her body.

" Shit. "

She hadn't seen all of those bruises and cuts before due to the lack of a mirror in Belle Reve, so she had no idea they looked that bad. The colour spectrum of her skin varied from a purplish black to pale yellow, going through all those shades of purple and green bruises go before healing. At least her face was alright, except for the nearly invisible scar on her brow. She ran one finger over the large scar on her belly and her face twisted in pain, though this one had already healed.

She was suddenly hit by the realization that the Joker would lose his temper when he saw those marks.

Harley felt a tear roll down her cheek and her body started shaking. She went in the shower, hoping her sobs would be muffled by the running water. The queen sat in the shower with the pressurized hot water hitting her body and relaxing her muscles as she hugged her knees and cried. As soon as she managed to pull herself together she took a deep breath and washed her body with more shampoo and soap than she actually needed, trying to wash away the pain. The thing was that the pain wasn't only in her memories, it was there, physically, constantly reminding her of what had happened. The marks were proof that she had been raped and tortured. Harley had never felt so hopelessly fragile and exposed.

When she left the bathroom wrapped in a towel, J was entering the room with a tray on his hands. Apparently it was supposed to be dinner in bed, but he dropped everything to the floor as soon as he saw her. Of all things in the world, he didn't expect to see all those bruises and cuts on her perfect porcelain-white skin.

He gritted his teeth to the sight and his blood as suddenly filled with a homicidal rage.

" Who did this to you? " His voice didn't sound like a cat purring like before. Now it was like a rabid dog growling before the attack.

 _He'll be so disappointed at you for not defending yourself…_ One of the voices said maliciously. _He won't want a fragile little girl like you._

Threatened by that thought, she didn't answer. Instead, the tears filled her eyes again.

" Puddin'... " She sobbed.

" Don't call me Puddin' right now. " He barked, but soon realized he shouldn't have spoken to her that way. She was crying.

" I'm sorry. " Her voice wasn't more than a strangled whisper. It hit his heart in a way it had never been hit before.

" Oh, no, no, no. I am sorry, baby. I took so long to find you… " He walked towards Harley to hold her body and perhaps make his queen feel safe in his arms. "I promise I will kill all of them. Just tell me the names and I will teach the world to never touch Harley Quinn".

" I don't want you to do this. " Despite her tears, she still could say this.

" Pardon? " He couldn't understand what she meant. Did she not want the people who harmed her to die?

" I want to be the one to kill them. They are mine. " She was no longer crying. Rage replaced despair for a few moments and the Joker could spot a dark flame in her gaze, something he had never seen before. Belle Reve had changed Harley in more than one way, for better or worse.

" Okay, Honey. "

Then she gathered all the strength she could to say what else she was hiding.

" I also have one more request: When I'm strong enough, we are going to break into Belle Reve again and rescue my friends. "

 _Friends_. She had made friends. Something burned in his stomach. He knew the name for that feeling was Jealousy. He didn't want her to be with anyone else but him and he also knew that the one called Deadshot had a thing for her. But how the hell was he supposed to deny it to her? After two years stuck in that place, she would have whatever she wanted.

" Alright, cupcake. "

 _He'll leave you for that. You don't call the shots here, he does. He'll be angry that you are making requests now._

 _He doesn't even love you, he's just angry that the guards touched his property. It's about pride, not about you._

 _You failed to protect the only thing that could ever matter to him._

That fucking voice had started again, taking away the little control she had gained over herself in the past minutes. They were too loud to ignore and, once again, their content was unbearably painful. It was all it took for her to start crying again, so the Joker held her tighter. He had never seen her so disturbed about something, crying all the time like that and hearing voices, not even when she miscarried.

" Make 'em stop saying that, Puddin', I can't take it anymore. "

" They are lying, baby. Whatever they might be saying, it's a lie. "

Harley had her hands covering her ears and she seemed to have lost the strength in her knees and all her weight was on his harms.

J carried her to their bed and laid down beside her, holding her tightly to try and make her feel safe. He kissed her cheeks, her wet hair, her shoulders, her hands and stroked her hair, curling it around his long fingers. The clown wanted to know what the voices were telling her, but he knew better than to ask at that moment.

" I'll make them go away, Harls. I'm with you now and I'll take care of you. " That feeling that had reached him the night before attacked again. It was the same feeling, but this time it hit him like bullet to the chest. It was painful in a way he had never experienced before. Was that what Harley felt at the time he used to beat her? What the hell were those feelings?

" FROST! " He shouted and the henchman almost immediately showed up by the door. "Bring me some morphine. " Harley had started scratching her own arms and her hands were covered in blood. The Joker had to hold her hands in a tight grip to avoid any worse damages.

In a moment Johnny was back to the bedroom bringing a syringe, trying not to pay attention to the fact that Harley was naked and she had a beautiful body. Looking at the queen like that was like flirting with death, so he focused on the area he was applying the injection. In a matter of minutes she was asleep again and both men knew it would take a while for her to wake up, so they left the room.

" Oh, and Frost? "

" Yes, boss? "

The Joker pushed him against the wall and stared at him with his ice cold gaze.

" Don't you even think of looking at her like that. Ever. Again. "

He had noticed it and Johnny knew that if he wasn't the Joker's most trusted man, he would be dead by now.

" S-sure boss. Never intended to. "

J let him go and went downstairs to get a broom and a dustpan to clean the mess he had made by dropping the tray.

Harley looked like an angel when she was asleep. But a bloody angel after all those scratches, so he took her towel and moistened it with some hot water to clean her. Then J dressed her with a nightdress while he thought of how to stop those outbreaks she was having.

 **So, see you again next week, or maybe sooner if I manage to finish more chapters.**

 **Please, leave your review so I know what you are thinking about my fanfic!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Hi, Guys! I'm posting early this week because I managed to finish two more chapters and I was so excited about the story development I just HAD to update. I'll probably have to change the summary after what I wrote for the 8th chapter... I'm sure you will like it too.**

There was a card addressed to Harley on the bedside table when she woke up. It had been written by the Joker.

It was dark outside and it should be around midnight.

She read the card.

 _Honey, I went off to get your babies back. If you are hungry, there's cake in the kitchen. I'll be back soon, maybe before you wake up._

Had he left too long ago? She yawned and stretched in a movement slightly similar to the way a cat would stretch after waking up. Harley felt her stomach twist and growl and decided she was going to have a piece of that cake. She was so happy that he hadn't killed her hyenas in her absence… Bud and Lou would be a lovely company and she surely would feel safe with them around.

At the exact moment she had taken the first bite of the huge piece of cake in her hand, Harley heard the purple lamborghini arrive.

" These fucking hyenas! Why did she have to pick hyenas? " The Joker's voice sounded closer and closer as he grumbled.

He opened the door with one hand and did his best to hold the two hyenas by their leash with the other.

" BABIES! " Harley knelt down on the floor and spreaded her arms to welcome her pets. They had grown up since she had last seen them. Bud and Lou ran to her and licked her face like two puppies. They sniffed her and it tickled a little, so she giggled.

Harley stood up and the two hyenas ran around her, leaping.

" Oh, J, I'm so glad you brought them back! "

" Anything for you, honey. " He grinned. He sure as hell didn't want the hyenas back in the house, but Harley needed comfort, so J had decided to spoil her a little bit in the next few weeks. " By the way, I still have that grape soda in the fridge. "

Her throat burnt as soon as she heard the words. Grape soda was by far her favourite drink and she hadn't had it in ages. Harley smiled and clapped like a little girl on christmas.

" Let's drink some and watch a movie! " She said, completely aware that J would do whatever she asked, at least for the next few days.

" As long as you don't have me watch that 'Barbie' thing all over again. " Then he had a fun idea. " Ya know, the boys keep talking about a show… what was it again? Game of something. Apparently there's a lot of blood and sex and also has a sort of medieval theme just as you like it. "

" Okay, Pud! " Watching a TV show with the Joker was something she had never expected and Harley couldn't wait to spend all those hours cuddling with him in the couch drinking grape soda and watching something entertaining. J told her to download the show and wait in the TV room while he would bring the soda and something to eat.

" Oh, and if you could possibly keep those hyenas out of the couch… I'd appreciate it. "

Harley did as he said and sat on the couch with Bud and Lou curled around her feet. She was terribly intrigued by the Joker's behaviour towards her. He seemed to be putting a lot of effort into being more than just kind… almost normal. Yes, that was it. It was just like they were some normal couple and something bothered her about it, despite the fact that this was like a dream come true. Before all of that happened, the Joker could be terribly cruel to her - even she admitted something was terribly wrong, although she would always come back to him-. All this kindness seemed… forced. Fake. Of course she was happy about it, but where was his insanity?

Sounded pretty much like the sort of brainwash he did to her in Arkham Asylum in order to have her help him.

Her Puddin' came back with popcorn, grape soda and a blanket and placed all of it in the coffee table. She pressed the "play" button and the show was on as soon as J sat beside her. Harley wanted to ask the questions about his behaviour, but couldn't quite gather all the courage she needed. It was stuck in her throat for four episodes, what prevented her from memorize the characters names. There were too many important characters, anyway. Harley suddenly paused the show in the middle of an important dialogue.

" What are you doing?! " Oh, so he _was_ enjoying it.

" Gotta ask you something. "

" Well, couldn't it wait till the end of the episode?"

" No! " She was enjoying it too, why the hell would she pause if it wasn't an emergency? J Sighted, annoyed by the situation. Well, at least it was more like himself. "Why are you acting like this? "

He froze. She was supposed to feel safe and wanted, not suspicious about him. His mouth opened a bit and Harley could see part of his metal teeth. She thought he would yell at her, but he didn't. J seemed to have lost his words.

" What is it? " She encouraged him to say something.

" I wanted you to feel safe! " He spat. " Because you keep having those psychotic outbreaks and panic attacks."

" No, it started in the van when I bit you. You are not acting like yourself. "

It took him a while to think about what she had just said. J had to swallow and digest all the words. So she had expected to do what? Beat her? Ignore her?

Well, now that he had given it a thought, it _was_ expected. He had always done that. What had changed? He hadn't stopped killing people, torturing people or exploding buildings with people inside. Chaos was still the main focus of his life. He had faced the Bat more than a few times in the past years, most of them whilst J tried to find out Harley's whereabouts. So, he asked himself once more. _what had changed?_

That feeling. It was the only reasonable answer. That unknown feeling that could either hit him in the chest like a bullet or fill his blood with a warm sensation.

" Okay, Harley, do you really wanna know? I don't know what the fuck is happening." Now he was shouting. " I just don't wanna hurt you anymore, Harley, is that too hard to believe?" The Joker was panting. Not because of the shouting, but because that damn unknown feeling squeezed his heart. Maybe it was a stroke? "But I think we shouldn't be talking about me, we should be talking about what happened in there so the voices would be this powerful."

" I… I don't wanna talk about this, Puddin'..."

" If you're not talking, then I'm not talking either. " He was unsure if that was a way to escape the unpleasant conversation about feelings or a way to get Harley talking.

" Fine. I'll talk, them. But ya won't like it." She said casually, her accent showing up. The Joker was glad she had stopped talking in that annoying way.

" I'm listening. "

" But promise me you'll tell me what's going on afterwards. "

" Okay. "

She tried to find her voice to tell the story, but it seemed to be long gone. The Joker felt somehow guilty for pushing it too hard

" Fine, then. " He said to her. " It's okay. Tell me when you are ready. And I will tell you when I'm ready. It's nothing for you to concern about, anyway. "

She nodded and they went back to watching the show.

 **So... Did you like it? I feel like this is the last introductory chapter and from now on the story will really start to develop with all it's complexities. I'll post again next week, please tell me what you are thinking!**


	6. Chapter 6

**I am reposting the chapter because the format was all fucked up. I'm sorry about that. A special thanks to JWolf28 for warning me.**

A whole week passed and Harley still had those panic attacks every time something triggered her memories. The Joker couldn't really bring himself to ask many questions until he saw her wrists and realized she had been self-harming.

"Tell me what happened in there, Harley."

She was in the middle of a crisis again, this one caused by the fact that he had found out about her many cuts. The Joker had finally understood this could be a result of being beaten. She had lost her share of fights before she learned to defend herself, often defeated by more than one enemy, she had had worse cuts and bruises than the ones she had. She had been electrocuted by the love of her life, for God's sake! She wasn't weak, but something broke her.

J got no answer from her. She was still panicking about telling the whole truth, so she decided to only let out a part of it.

"Harley, if you don't tell me, I'll get mad." Everyone knew not to drive that man mad. He would throw things against the wall, get on the car and start killing sprees, shoot randomly at people, or even beat her. Well… he would hardly beat her ever again. But still, getting him mad would lead him to spread chaos through the city.

"They raped me, okay?" She shouted. "They raped me almost every day. They held me down and raped me, one by one. Or two at the same time. They even made Deadshot do it, threatening to torture me if he didn't. They put objects inside me. They electrocuted me, they cut me, they beated me. Whatever crosses your mind now, you can be sure they did it to me. They were allowed to do anything that wouldn't damage my fightings… It basically just prevented them to cut anything off." Harley yelled so loud she had to stop to catch her breath. She spat all those horrors, but still hid the worst part about her stay in Belle Reve.

The Joker was silent. He had his hands closed in tight fists and his jaw looked about to crack. The flame in his eyes was something Harley had never seen before. Maybe it was the first time he was that angry. He really looked homicidal. More than the usual, anyway.

"Baby, I think you should get Bud and Lou and go upstairs to our room." His voice was freezing cold and it compelled her to do as he told.

Harley closed the door as soon as she and the two hyenas were in the bedroom. She sat on the carpet and her babies came to curl around her legs. Her bottom lip was shaking in a mix of feelings and she cringed every time the Joker threw something against the wall, cursing. She covered her ears, trying to ignore it. Harley was glad she managed to omit the part about the scar on her belly, since probably the Joker would tear the city apart seeking revenge.

Bud licked the tears on her cheeks and she hugged her pet tightly.

"Oh, baby… Your mummy will be fine." She wasn't sure if she was telling that to the hyena or to herself. Harley would hardly ever recover.

Then she recalled someone else that could have called her "Mummy" if God hadn't been so mean as to take them away from her. As much as Harley loved her pets and would call them her babies, they could never replace her lost child.

Harley always did her best not to think about the miscarriage. Of course the fact never left her mind for more than a day, but still she could almost always avoid the feeling of loneliness that came along with the thought.

 _She was decorating the bedroom when it happened. The Joker was out and his henchmen were supposed to be keeping an eye on her, but they were drinking and playing poker downstairs, instead. Suddenly Harley felt an unbearable pain in the base of her spine and in her lower stomach. She was unable to call for aid since she couldn't breath due to the pain. Harley recalled falling to the floor and looking down to meet the horrific sight of her pants soaked in the blood that was coming out of between her legs. Then she passed out._

 _It was the Joker who found her, still unconscious, and he immediately understood what had happened. When a doctor confirmed that she was no longer carrying their baby, he killed the henchmen that were supposed to be taking care of her that night._

The Joker walked into the room, apparently not as mad as he had been moments ago. She was still holding Bud and had her hand on her belly. Lou was curled beside her and his head resting on her lap.

J helped her get up and carried her to the bed. He set Harley in between his knees so her back would rest against his chest. She held his hand on her belly too and looked up to him. Her gaze was nearly painful to look at.

"Do you still remember him?"

The Joker was silent. Darkly silent. In fact, he had no idea what to do or what to think. He wasn't even sure who he was mad at. Of course the guards were the firsts in his list. Or perhaps Waller. But he was also mad at the Bat for taking her away. He was mad at Deadshot for doing it too, even if it was to protect her. He was mad at Harley for hiding it from him. He was mad at himself for failing to protect her. And then he was mad at Harley again for even asking that question. He was fucking mad at the universe.

Silently, he got her up, left the bed and pulled her hand, guiding her towards another room, one he wouldn't let anyone in, including her, by penalty of death. Everyone thought it was his office, since he would sometimes spend days in there, only leaving to eat and sleep. J opened the door and went inside, still holding her hand, and turned on the light. Harley let go of his hand and took a few steps around the room, unable to believe her own sight. Then she looked at J with teary eyes. He had decorated the room just like Harley wanted for the baby. Soft purple and green walls and a white baby crib and all sort of baby stuff.

"Of course I remember." He said softly.

The Joker had been just as upset about the miscarriage as Harley, but his way to show pain was killing people and being angry. Besides, he had decided it would be better for Harley if he didn't show his suffering, since she would need someone strong to hold her in that difficult time. Anyway, even if he wanted to show his suffering, he didn't have the faintest idea of how to deal with it. He had lost a child and a wife before that, but he no longer knew how it felt.

Once again he reached for her hand and interlaced their fingers.

"I thought… You didn't even want it." She confessed.

"I wanted." He assured.

Both of them suddenly realized how much they didn't know about each other. About how much they had lost in the last two years.

"Sweetie… I think we should talk… and be fully honest with each other about our feelings and everything."

"Like in a therapy session?"

"When were you honest in a therapy session? No, I mean me, you, cookies and a tissue box. It's not about me trying to fix you, it's about our relationship." Maybe her first mistake was trying to fix him when he wasn't broken.

The Joker thought about it for a moment.

He hated talking about feelings and such, but maybe it was needed. Maybe it could fix Harley and maybe it could help him make some sense out of those weird feelings he was having.

"I suppose we could try..." He agreed, half-heartedly.


	7. Chapter 7

_**Hello. It's good to be back... I had a little problem with the ideas... Do you know the moment you start working on two fanfictions at the same time because both ideas start giving you insomnia? Yeah, I'm going through that. I started a Harry Potter fanfiction (I'm fluent oh HP, differently from Suicide Squad. I'll warn you when I post it if interests you guys ^-^). I tried to make a cute chapter, but not TOO cute since it's the Joker and Harley... And well, let's see how it worked. Bye!**_

The living room was unusually silent. Without the henchmen, the house itself seemed to have grown. The Joker was sitting quietly on the couch, thinking about what the hell he should say, feeling slightly regretful of agreeing with that madness. He had given himself the excuse that he didn't want to do anything boring but, in fact, he was just scared of letting her in. When Harleen was his therapist, it had been really hard for him to lie and sometimes he simply couldn't help but being honest. Now that she meant so much to him, maybe he wouldn't be able to lie at all.

Harley walked in in with a plate full of cookies she had just baked. She placed it on the coffee table and sat down on the armchair, opposite to the Joker so they could see each other's face.

"I think..." J started "This looks like a therapy session."

"Well, it's close, but absolutely different at the same time. Back in Arkhan, my job was fixing you. Now there's no job involved. It's a conversation between our feelings."

"Also, I'm not wearing a straightjacket." He was suspicious, since Harley was indeed wearing her psychiatrist voice, which made the Joker even more uncomfortable.

"Yes, but the whole point is both of us telling each other how we feel and what we think."

"Well… Let's get started, then."

"Okay. I thought… I've been thinking… You've been treating me differently since I came back. Why is that?"

J grabbed a cookie and slowly ate it, chewing it as if he could taste his own ideas. He was trying to turn his confused feelings into understandable words.

"I suppose you are aware that you have always puzzled me. At the moment you walked into that room, I saw so much _potential_ in you… I saw chaos desperately trying to crush that pathetic, pure version of yourself. That chaos, in my opinion, thought of me as the only chance for it to come out. I don't know about you, but I think that's what made you fall in love with me."

Harley was honestly amazed. In months of therapy she had never heard that much honesty in his voice. Maybe nothing like that had ever happened in the history of their relationship, either as doctor and pacient or as lovers.

"I thought I probably could give you a little taste of madness, that final push so you could be Harley Quinn, and then leave, but you kept coming after me and you were a pain in the ass. I would never have imagined I would actually jump after you when I sent you to die in that acid vat." The Joker wasn't looking at her in the eye. Instead, he stared at the wall behind Harley and that's how she knew he wasn't lying. He would always look at her in the eye when he lied.

She tried to open her mouth to say something, but he raised one finger, silencing her so he could finish.

"And the fact that I couldn't let you go annoyed me, I wanted you around and that's what got me mad. I had never enjoyed anyone's company before, I had never liked anyone, so why a psychiatrist? That's why I would be so violent towards you. But when the Bat took you away, something changed. I knew I wanted you and not because you were a property, or my creation, but because I _cared_ about you."

Of course his words hurt her, he was saying to her face that he intended to kill her so he could get rid of her. Not that she hadn't always been aware of that, but the words still hurt. But she had already came to terms with the fact that their relationship was abusive and she would have to take it if she wanted to be with him, so those words didn't hurt as much as they should. In fact, she was happy. J had admitted that, beneath his mistreats, he cared about her. In fact, he admitted that he was wrong to hurt her.

Inside her head, Harley felt one of the voices suddenly fade and disappear. Somehow, she knew it wouldn't come back.

"I always thought you didn't care about me. That I was just your favourite toy and that's why I was allowed to stay and play with you. Then… You were violent, you nearly killed me more than once. I know you are crazy, but it's not something you can do to someone you love, so I assumed..."

Love. That word remained a mystery. Words are just names people give for actual things. Most things would still exist without the word for it, but he didn't quite know what the word Love meant… So he always assumed it didn't exist for him. It was just a word.

"What is love, honey?" Lost in his thoughts, J wasn't listening to her.

"Well, that's a hard one, Puddin'." She paused, one hand on her delicate chin. "It's a feeling… A burning sensation inside your chest. It aches when you can't be with the one you love and feels warm when you are close to them. It's when you would live and die for that person with no second thoughts." She stopped again, looking at his intrigued gaze and realized she could be going too far for someone who didn't know what it meant. "Love is when I jumped in that acid vat, fully aware that you didn't intend to get me. Or when you weren't there for me when I miscarried, but I still cared about you more than anything in the world. Or when you would give more attention to the Batman than to me, but still I remained by your side. It's when I gave up on all my chances to get a normal life just to stay with you."

Then maybe, just maybe, it could have something to do with what the Joker felt for Harley.

"Can it be when I felt so warm looking at you sleeping when you arrived back home? Or… When you're in pain and it seems to burn me inside?"

It was the sweetest thing Harley ever heard from him.

"Oh, Puddin'..." She jumped over the coffee table to hug him. J cupped her face to kiss her. Then he loved her and didn't even know it? Was that even remotely possible? "I love you, Puddin'."

"I… I think I love you, Harley." The words tasted somehow bittersweet. He had never expected to say them outloud and somehow doing so broke him in a thousand pieces. It meant he was a man, a human, just as weak as any other human. But at the same time it gave him a strength he had never felt before. _Desire becomes surrender, surrender becomes power._ It felt like he was at the edge of a cliff, ready to jump. He had everything to lose and nothing to fear. For the first time in his life, he had something else to protect other than chaos and anarchy. _Love_. Such a pure and powerful word.

"Harls… I know I'm not perfect. I'm not what you always wanted and I will never be. I exist because of chaos, hatred and revenge and that's what I seek. And I can't change what I have done to you in the past. But I want you in my life, I want to share it with you. You are and you will always be my queen, and I will make sure to treat as a queen should to be treated. Nobody will ever hurt you again, including myself."

Then, although her heart was pounding like crazy and all her blood felt warmer, she felt guilty. He was being honest about what he had lost… But he had no idea what both of them had lost.

"Baby… I wasn't completely honest with you. About the reason for my outbreaks all the time, I mean. I never told you because I didn't want to raise any expectations… or have any hope, so I couldn't lose everything again." Something in her voice sounded terribly wrong.

"Harley, you hid the fact that you were raped because rape is worse than beating. So, tell me. What is worse than rape?" J had that fierce in his voice again, his eyes had a cold glow.

"When the Bat got me, I was pregnant again."

The world fell down. A carpet was pulled from beneath the Joker's feet and now everything was crashing against the floor, falling slowly so he could watch all the little pieces breaking and spreading all around, but not slowly enough so he could do anything. Suddenly the world felt cold and the rage inside his core started growing. It seemed like he would shrink and disappear. He felt like life itself didn't mean anything. Like chaos didn't mean anything. Some unknown darkness filled his heart and his cold blue eyes.

"They only found out when my belly started showing, just after transfered me to Belle Reve, and then it was too late to make an abortion. So they… they waited until I was about to give birth and sedated me. When I woke up, this was the only thing I had left of our baby." Harley raised her shirt so he could see a scar on her lower belly, clearly left from a cesarean. Her voice was stone cold as she continued. Not because she didn't care, but because she couldn't express the pain she felt, not even if she were to let all her rage and despair out. "I tried so hard to protect it, but I failed. I'm sorry."

J's heart ached as if someone had stabbed it and twisted the knife.

"Do you think… It might still be alive?"

"I don't know. They probably just… Killed it in that cold place. Or sold it. I don't know… I couldn't think about it. But they never brought it up, not even when they talked about the Squad, so I assumed it was dead." Her lips were shaky. "I'm so sorry, Puddin'... I lost our baby, all over again." She sobbed and tried to say something else, but her voice was blocked by her tears.

"Shh… It's not your fault, baby." It was all he could say before choking with his own tears as well.

The Joker. Crying.

Inside his soul, he had decided one thing: He would heal Harley and then God help anyone who ever thought of harming her.

From that moment, Gotham City was at war.


	8. Chapter 8

**_Hello, I'm back! Thank you SO MUCH for all the support, I'm so glad you are all enjoying it, and that you are connecting to my characters... When I started writing, I didn't expect to have more than two readers, because I felt the fact that I am Brazilian would affect people's judgement on my English... And I am relieved to say that I was wrong about this (despite that one review from a hater/racist anonymous person)._**

It took the Joker a week to back to his normal business. He would wait until Harley was asleep and leave to the club, making sure to be back home before she was awake so she wouldn't be alone. He also left Johnny with her, in case she woke up, since he was the only one they told about what happened. Johnny felt like he was useless there, since Harley would always be asleep, until one day she woke up screaming.

He broke into the room, gun in hands, aiming at anyone who could possibly harm the boss' girl. On the bed, Harley was also pointing her gun at him, her eyes filled with tears, and the hyenas were on both sides of the bed, growling at him ready to defend her. Johnny let out a relieved sigh when he realized it had been a nightmare and put the gun down. Harley did the same, still crying. Bud and Lou stopped growling and lay down on the carpet again.

She got up, wearing just a transparent nightwear, and he looked away while she put a red robe on.

"Need anything, boss?"

Harley stared silently into the darkness in the room. She looked a mess. Her hair was all tangled, the dye was starting to fade out and her eyes… they looked tired, as if all the sleep she was getting simply wasn't enough. The usual sparkle had disappeared from her gaze and gave no sign of coming back.

She was getting better, however. Her panic attacks were less common and she had started talking to the henchmen again. The thing is that after two years in Belle Reve, being tortured, raped and having her baby taken away from her, she would hardly ever go back to her normal. Not even a disturbed mind like hers could get over it.

"I'd like some pizza, to be honest." She said.

"Right away, boss." Usually, nobody could get a pizza delivered at their home by two in the morning, but when you are one of the Joker's employees, you make it happen. And since pizza at late hours wasn't an unusual request from Harley, Johnny already knew how to get it. In fact, he also knew her favorite pizza flavour. And he knew he should put grape soda on ice for her. And maybe check if there was any ice cream in the freezer. While he did all that, Harley was washing her face and putting on a black halter dress so she looked less fragile.

"The pizza is on it's way, it should arrive within ten minutes or so." Said Johnny when she finally made it down the stairs.

"Well, let's wait on the kitchen and have some grape soda or something." She answered

"Sure."

Johnny followed her to the kitchen and Harley sat at the marble balcony to wait for the grape soda. It wasn't as cold as she wished it would be, but still tasted amazing in her mouth. The henchman sat across the balcony and looked at her. He could see she was avoiding his gaze.

"Harley… I know how hard it is for you to trust anyone beside the boss right now… especially a man. But I want you to know that if you need something, even if you need to talk, you have a friend in me." Harley finally looked back at him and his heart skipped a beat when he saw her eyes. There was a dark abyss behind that beautiful shade of blue. It was the first time he actually gave a look at her since she was back and it was also the first time he had glimpse of the dimension of Harley's pain.

"Johnny, I appreciate your intentions, but there is nothing anyone can do for me right now. Not even the Joker. My heart isn't broken, it's not about someone hurting my feelings, it's not an abstract pain that could go away with time or a hug." Harley wasn't talking like herself. She sounded more like a ghost of what Harleen Quinzel must have been once. She was even calling the Joker "the Joker".

"Of course, but still, well… I'm here for you. And well… it's important that you know nothing of this was your fault, okay?"

"If it was just the rape and the torture, I would deal with it, I would heal after a while. I wouldn't be the worse thing that ever happened to me. Don't forget Mr. J electrocuted me himself in the past. Or that he made me jump into an acid vat. They took my baby away, Johnny. They killed my baby. Whether it was my fault or not doesn't change it." She concluded. Johnny was truly shocked. It wasn't like Harley to be so serious. There were no sick jokes, no smiles, no light in her eyes. He couldn't help but agree with her. Nothing would ever change what happened.

"You could… I don't know… adopt?"

"Yeah, sure, if you can name one institution that would let the Joker and Harley Quinn, two wanted criminals convicted of… " She paused, trying to remember all the crimes she was convicted of. "Well, convicted of everything we have done, adopt a child.

Johnny immediately felt stupid for that suggestion. Harley reached for his hand and held it.

"I know you wanna help. I trust you. I _like_ you. But there isn't anything you can do to help me heal because I won't heal. This pain is mine to bear. Forever."

There was a change in her attitude. As if something had just snapped inside her. She wasn't crying as she said that, nor she looked lost, she was just dark.

"You don't have to pretend you are strong. Not in front of me. I wouldn't betray you."

"Gee, if J hears you saying that, he might chop your head off." Harley smiled sarcastically. She wasn't being very nice to him, that's for sure, but he understood that in her state of mind, kindness was too much to expect.

"It's not what I meant and you know it. I've seen my share of the atrocities the boss might commit for you and, trust me, I don't want to be on the other side of his gun."

The doorbell rang and Johnny went to the door to get the pizza. When he came back, Harley looked guilty.

"I'm sorry for what I told you. I shouldn't be mean to you. You just wanted to help..."

Johnny patted her back awkwardly.

"It's okay. You are going through alot right now, so it's understandable."

"I don't want to justify it. I should still be nice."

She looked up and that deep, dark abyss was still in her eyes. Harley kept changing, over and over again, as if each time a different voice was talking and she was just repeating it.

"Let's have this pizza in the TV room, shall we?"

Harley nodded and followed him. She wanted to watch something that didn't make her feel terrible and apparently the only option available was Adventure Time. She even let out a small laughter a few times during the show, although some episodes made her feel really sad and disturbed.

"I wish I could be a princess in a candy kingdom."

"Well, you're already a queen. And I bet the Joker wouldn't mind if you brought candies into the room."

Johnny's joke was so inappropriate and unexpected Harley couldn't help but laugh. It was just a glimpse of once was an contagious laughter, but still made the henchman feel like smiling. Harley was like a sunshine for everyone who worked for the Joker. Of course she could be terribly annoying and bossy sometimes, but still the house felt much colder without her around. And having her in that terrible situation made it even worse, because it was like having and don't having her. And then they had to deal with the Joker's suffering, which he demonstrated by shooting people and breaking things.

"In fact..." Harley finally managed to stop laughing for a moment and answer "I'm sure it could spice up things." Then she felt a little guilty. She and the Joker weren't having sex lately. Not that she didn't want it… not that she couldn't feel aroused. It was that whenever it was about to happen, she remembered Griggs and the others and had to pull away. But she didn't demonstrate her feelings this time. One thing was discussing her trauma with Johnny… telling him about what happened between her and the Joker inside a room could easily cost that friend's life.

Johnny made a few more jokes and she laughed more at each one. And when the Joker arrived home to find Harley and Johnny talking and laughing, eating pizza and watching cartoons, he couldn't help but feel jealous. Why couldn't he be the one to make her laugh? But still, it didn't erase the fact that, finally, she was laughing. And he loved that.

"Puddin'!" Harley yelled when she realized he was there. "Come join us! You will certainly like this show!"

The clown sat down beside her and she lay her head on his chest to watch the show. J wasn't finding it exactly funny, although he _was_ enjoying the moment. In fact, it was a sign of weakness for him, showing feelings while Johnny was around. But he had decided to do it, just this one time, for Harley. No matter how much he wanted, he wouldn't leave. It would hurt her. Again.

Back in the room, about half an hour later, they were laying on the bed and the Joker was reading a book. It was a crime novel, apparently. Harley had her head on his chest again, but now she was asleep. For the first time in what seemed to be forever, she didn't seem to be having a nightmare.


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: Hello. It's been a week since I last posted. I was a bit upset about lots of things, including a recent breakup, and also busy since I started a new project. If you have any interesting on reading a Harry Potter fanfiction, I can send you the link to it. It only has two posted chapters, and two more ready to post until now, but it's been really fun to write it and I already have a full plot in my head.**

* * *

The next week, Harley started going to the club with the Joker. Soon she was dancing again, twisting her body around the pole, bringing everyone's eyes to her. J would sit and talk business for hours, never letting her out of his sight. Not only because she was sexy, but because he was paranoid. The clown couldn't stop thinking of the possibility that the Bat or Amanda Waller would walk through the door and take her away again.

He was extremely careful about who he would let in the club that week. In fact, he had moved from the penthouse above the club because he knew it was no secret that they lived there.

On the first two nights she went there, the Joker didn't allow her to dance and kept her by the bar, in order to avoid unwanted attention from anyone who could warn the bat. But after a while, Harley convinced him to let her dance, or they would appear weak in their enemies eyes. And when she finally made her way back to her pole, Gotham city's underworld finally understood that the Queen was back home. It wasn't bad for the Joker's reputation. It meant that he was powerful enough to break into Belle Reve and that he would not forgive who interfered in his personal life, whether it was another gangster, the Batman or even the government.

A whistle was heard through the loud music and Harley left her drink at the balcony to meet the Joker, who had earlier asked not to be bothered by anyone, including her. Apparently, that one client was a special one, or at least a specially dangerous one. An unknown tall man was sitting quietly across the table and his dark eyes stared at her. She sat on J's lap, immediately feeling his arms around her waist, hugging her protectively. At that point, Harley had already figured that the man fit in the _especially dangerous ones_ list.

"Baby, I'd like you to meet my new friend here. He's helping me with the equipment to complete that little task of ours." J said no names, neither mentioned what was it that they wanted, so Harley asked no questions.

"Nice to meet you." She smiled.

So J was keeping his word on avenging her and their baby.

"He gave me a few names of people who could tell us all about what happened."

Was he talking about the Squad or the baby? Or the rapists? Well, whatever it was, she would ask about the plan later. Now she had to play that gangster's bitch character, although pretending to be just one of mr.J's toys annoyed her, specially now that she knew she meant more than that. But he still thought that love was a weakness, so he would act as if she was nothing but a sexy girl who happened to be as crazy as himself.

The short conversation was superficial and unpleasant for all the involved. Soon the tall man was gone and they finally could leave the club by three in the morning, when Harley felt to sleepy to remain there. As he drove the purple lamborghini, J started explaining the whole plan.

"The Bat probably knows what they did to the baby. And what they did. Although he is unable to act on everything, he still knows most of what happens in and out of Gotham City. But there's no way to make him confess anything without help and that's why I'm putting a whole lot of effort into breaking your friends out of Belle Reve."

Harley felt as if she could start glowing at any moment. She couldn't wait to see her friends again. They would stay by her side… Maybe she could find the family her heart longed for. As always, it would be a dysfunctional family… but with all the crazy inside her, what difference did it make? Maybe, just maybe, she could achieve what she always wanted and be happy. In an unexpected way. But, again, what about her life was expected? Harley had changed from promising young psychiatrist to Gotham City's Queen of crime.

"Thank you, Puddin'." She squeezed his thigh, which almost caused him to lose control of the car.

Although Harley was getting more confident every day, they still were not having sex. Whenever they started getting somewhere, she always pulled back with some sort of terror in her eyes. Of course J didn't blame her for that. Rape wasn't a forgettable experience, let alone having your unborn baby forcefully taken away. Still, the Joker missed having her in that way.

He wished he was a psychiatrist himself, so he could have a clue of what to do and how to behave in order to get his old Harley back. Or at least most of her, since it was pretty obvious that there was no coming back after what had happened.

"Honey, would it help you feel normal if we robbed a bank or something?"

"What do you mean, mr.J?"

"If we did normal things, would it help? I mean… if I stopped being over protective?"

"I don't know..." She kind of liked his over protectiveness, but also felt like it couldn't go on for any longer.

"As a psychiatrist, what do you think would help you?"

Harley thought for a moment, putting some extra effort into getting her conscience through the insanity barrier. Because of the electroshocks, most of her memories previous to her period working at Arkham Asylum were foggy and disconnected from each other.

"Probably the right thing to do is slowly get my self confidence back by going through an increasing amount of challenge until I can feel in control if my body again."

It sounded reasonable.

"Challenges, you say?" J had something in mind for the past week, but he didn't want to scare her off, especially once her panic attacks had slowly started to decrease. She was doing well and he didn't want to get in her way, but now it was different, since she had specifically said it would do her food.

"What do you have in mind, Puddin'?"

"You'll see soon enough."

Harley bit her nails nervously.

When they arrived home, the Joker made her sit on a chair and wait for him. She heard his steps go up the stairs and then come back down almost immediately after.

"Do you think this is a good challenge?" He asked and handed her a box wrapped in purple gift paper. Harley opened it nervously, half expecting to find something scary. Once he had given her a live rat, which she later named mr. Cheese. But it wasn't a rat that she found inside this box. It was a red bikini.

"What is this?" She asked.

"What about swimming lessons? I'll be your teacher."

She had only ended in Belle Reve because she couldn't swim. Learning to swim sure would give her some much needed confidence. Still, the perspective of getting underwater again scared her.

"I… I'm not sure about this."

"Well, too bad. You are at least getting into the pool with me tomorrow, whether you want it or not. You don't have to submerge at first, but you will learn to swim." He wasn't sure if it was a good idea to be pushy, but it felt like she needed encouragement and it was the only way he knew to do it.

Harley thought about the idea for a few more moments. She was positive that learning something new would help after a trauma… but swimming always sounded so scary for her…

"Okay, I will do it. But there are some rules for you. First of all, you will have to be in the water with me the whole time. And you can't scold me, beat me or threaten me."

"But what is the fun about that, then?" He was obviously joking, trying to break the tension. She held the bikini to his face.

"Seeing me wearing these." That would be fun… Maybe swimming could even spice up things between them.

"Well, I will do my best to follow your rules."

"And you won't push me in the pool."

"Hmm." He agreed.

"So… when do we start?"

"How about tomorrow?"

"Tomorrow sounds great. I'm excited!" Harley was genuinely excited.

"I'm glad you are."

They hugged, unable to stand the distance anymore. Maybe, just maybe, they could finally rearrange things.


	10. Chapter 10

Harley walked around the pool nervously. She knew she had to do it. She had no other choice. J was right, she couldn't count on pure luck in order not to drown. If she could swim, maybe nothing had ever happened to begin with.

"Puddin', I'm not sure about this..." She was scared of the idea of the chlorine water getting into her nose.

"Sweetheart, you jumped into an acid vat. What's the worst thing that could happen?" The Joker was already in the water, stretching his arms towards her and encouraging her to jump. He had a point there. "Just hold your breath and jump, I'll get you."

Instead of jumping, she carefully sat on the edge of the pool and let her body slide in the cold water. She was really glad it wasn't just as freezing as the lake that night. Then her body started to sink, no matter how hard she struggled to keep her head above the water.

"Mr. J?" She panicked, her heart was pounding in her ears and her mouth soon got full of water, just before the Joker got her in his arms and brought her back to the surface. Harley clang on him tightly.

"If you want to keep your head above the surface, you got to stop fighting the water." He said calmly. "You are not in danger, Harley. Calm down. Just relax and feel the water. for a bit."

He was right. She suddenly understood that she couldn't simply fight against water. She could only coordinate her movements to move along with the water. It was something about harmony. Her body couldn't change the water, but could adapt to it. Harley took a deep breath. Now she could feel the environment around her and was no longer frightened. In fact, it felt amazing.

"Baby, I'm gonna let you go now. If you move your legs coordinately, you won't sink. But if you do sink, I'll get you again."

"O-okay." Her voice was trembling, but she managed to keep a straight face, take a deep breath and do as he said. Moving her legs enough to prevent her body from sinking took a whole lot of effort and soon she got tired, but yet she could do it and she was proud of herself. Harley looked up to meet J's grin and smiled back at him.

"See? I knew you could do it."

After a few moments, Harley was panting. Soon she was forced to give up and grab the edge of the pool.

"So, the first thing I wanna do is make you feel comfortable in the water and be able to hold your breath. Then we will work your resistance and swimming skills." He explained, holding her waist with one arm and pulling her up for a kiss.

"Well, I was a gymnast before being a psychiatrist, so it shouldn't be too hard."

"That's right sweetie. I like your optimism. Now, spread your arms and stretch your legs. Just lay on the water."

She did as he told and felt his hands against her back, holding her on the surface. What was the purpose of that? Then she felt him slowly let go and it took all her willpower to stay still and don't panic. She had just learned how to go back to the surface, even if she sank she could come back, but even though she knew that, Harley could feel the adrenaline pumping into her blood. But all her fears turned out to be unnecessary, for when J let go of her back, she was floating on her own. At that moment, she felt like she was flying.

"Puddin', this is amazing!" She smiled.

"Isn't it?"

Then he made the same movement and they floated side to side, holding hands. For no more than a second, Harley felt as if her heart had healed. Of course the pain hit her again with all it's strength immediately after, crushing her heart and lungs, but it was no longer unbearable. It was the same pain, but Harley was different. She felt stronger. She wasn't lost in an endless tunnel anymore, she could see a light. A distant, pale light, like a single star in the night sky, but yet a light.

She could still fight. Not everything was lost.

When they left the pool, one hour later, the Joker could spot a new sparkle deep in Harley's eyes. It was no more than a spectrum of the old sparkle he used to see inside her very soul, but it also gave him the hope he so desperately needed.

That night, J stayed home with her. He had decided that she would be his priority, finally. Harley was truly happy for that and she felt so deeply loved she almost felt guilty for her own suffering.

Lying on bed, J revised files, memorizing names and numbers related to business. Harley was reading a book about a human and a vampire who fell in love and had a baby. Oh, if she only had her little baby around…

"Do you think they could still be alive?"

J looked at her, not quite understanding what she meant by that until he looked down and saw Harley place on hand on her belly. She would never be happy again, would she?

"If I were anyone else, I would say yes. But I am the Joker. You are Harley Quinn. They would never let our child live. I'm so sorry, honey."

"I like to pretend our baby is still alive. Somewhere, learning to talk with… with a good mother." She sighed.

"You would be an amazing mom, Harls."

"Do you really think so?" She squealed, clearly happy.

"Yes. I think… When it's all over, we should try again. A baby… a baby would change everything." The Joker would never consider having a baby if it wasn't for Harley. But since she was in his life, it also had changed.

"Oh!" Her face was sad again. "After all those rapes, I never got pregnant… I don't think I can have babies anymore."

"Are you sure they didn't give you something?"

"No. I'm not. But I don't think they would be so careful. Griggs wouldn't give a shit if I got pregnant." Her eyes were distant again. J lowered the file in his hand and raised her chin so she met his gaze.

"Harley, whatever they did to you without your knowledge, I will find out and I will fix it, one way or another."

"I know, Puddin'." She smiled.

"Tomorrow we will start fight trainings. I want you to feel confident on fighting again. I want you to remember you've taken down men three times your size. And I want to teach you how to get rid of handcuffs and straitjackets."

"Oh, I'm looking forwards to that."

Harley laid her head on the Joker's chest and closed her eyes. Her breathing slowly got deeper and her head got heavier as she fell asleep.

She looked so pretty sleeping. So calm… She looked like an angel, in fact.


End file.
